So, first, I need to make a disclaimer that I do not care about coffee. I like it and it is necessary and I drink what my doctor once described as a “medically alarming” amount, but I buy the giant $5 cans of pre-ground beans from Aldi and I would rather die than listen to someone talk about “flavor profiles.” I kind of want a Chemex because they look super cool, but I would just end up using it as a flower vase or something.

What I do care about, however, is coffee mugs. And let me tell you, the state of the current coffee mug market is horrifying. I’ve spent almost a year trying to find a mug that fits the following criteria:

• holds at least 16 oz
• is tall/doesn’t have a gigantic circumference (seriously, those oversized Central Perk style mugs are so impractical and I don’t understand how anybody manages to drink out of them without dousing their shirts in coffee)
• PLAIN WHITE
• costs under $7 (and even $7 is kind of pushing it)

Aside: can we talk about novelty coffee mugs?

Oh, you don’t like mornings? And you prefer to have some coffee in the morning before you start your day? WHAT A UNIQUE AND FASCINATING PERSPECTIVE. TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW YOU MISTREAT PEOPLE UNTIL YOU’VE HAD A SPECIFIC BEVERAGE.

So anyway, back to tall white coffee mugs. If you go on Amazon it seems like there are a ton of options, but if you take the time to read reviews you’ll quickly notice that coffee mug makers are dirty, filthy liars who use the term “16 oz” to mean literally anything. It’s maddening. I found these, which are kind of perfect (I don’t even mind the text because it reminds me of one of the greatest movies of all time) but there’s no way I can justify spending $15 per mug.

A while ago in a post-Hoarders-viewing fit of halfassed Konmari-ing, I threw away all of our ugly coffee mugs and replaced them with two of the teal ones you can see in the top picture a stopgap. I don’t hate them, but I do kind of hate the fact that I don’t love them.

In conclusion: there are millions of children living in poverty and Donald Trump might get elected president and all of the coffee mugs in the world are terrible.